Now that First Pregnancy Series is over, I am taking on the next chapter, Becoming Mother.
I stare at her a lot. Cuddle her, kiss her, sniff her. I’m so proud. The little voice that squeals “I made her inside me!” has not yet gone away. Production at Shan’s Uterus R Us is up and live! 🙃
Anyhoo, Mother, I am. I have a tiny person depending on me in ways no one ever has before. I know the kind of mother I want to be. I’ve always known. Strict, but not stiflingly so. (She’s gotta be allowed experiences, right?). Open, honest, easy for her to talk to. Not doing things with/to her, I resented being done to me. Remembering to consider her feelings and possible desires as much as is possible when making decisions. Not spoiling her. All that wonderful jazz in unison with who she is as a person. I also know the kind I might be based on who I am as an individual. Overprotective, worrywart, affectionate (possibly embarrassingly so to her by her preteen years since that’s just my personality), hovering, nosy, yadi-yadi-yada. You know. I’m appalled to say that so far, the “not spoiling her” bit has already gone awry. Yea… sooo…. I anticipate a lot more of those things I previously mentioned going awry too.
Overall the goal is to raise a happy, emotionally, mentally and physically healthy, functional, articulate and socially well adjusted child who will ultimately morph into a well thinking young lady. The fact that I literally have a blank slate and unknown variables such as her personality, experiences, mistakes, learning curves, blatant childhood mischief, etc thrown into the mix is…. well, downright scary. I feel like the ominous hunger games tagline applies.
“Welcome to Motherhood… and may the odds be ever in your favour”
I suppose I have all the cliche fears and concerns of all new mothers.
What if I’m a crappy mother? Will I be able to protect her from everything I should be able to? What do I do about things I inevitably won’t be able to protect her from? How will I know the difference? How do I not attack everyone who even looks at her with a side eye, let alone one who contemplates hurting her? Where do I draw a line between letting her have an experience and making a mistake she’ll learn from versus deciding the outcomes are not just unfavorable or undesirable but damaging? Will my husband and I clash over important decisions and how will we break a tie if both of us are uncompromising about a particular situation or circumstance? Who is going to tell us if we’re wrong? Will we welcome constructive criticism, however difficult it is to hear? How do we cope if we later learn a decision wasn’t the best one post actions?
Alas! As you can already tell, the questions, reservations, uncertainties are endless. One thing is for certain though, she’s here and isn’t about to wait for me to figure it all out. So, one step at a time, I’ll do the very best I can, and love her to bits and pieces.
Here’s to the new journey…. becoming a mother.